Four Totally Stupid Ways to Lose Weight


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Everyone wants to lose that pesky ten pounds.  Okay, twenty pounds.  Okay, okay, fifty pounds.  Jeez.  To that end, though, you could eat right and exercise more.  That sounds like a good idea, right?

Well, not many try it enough to really know for sure.  Sensible eating and non-Iron Man training exercise seems to be the last thought on anyone’s mind who wants to lose weight.

Instead, people decide they are going to use the most extreme, ridiculous, and stupid ways to lose weight.  Since no one wants to try the sensible way, tons of really stupid ways to lose weight have become popular with the forever dieting crowd.

[spoiler title=”tl;dr – click to read summary” style=”fancy”] The four totally stupid ways of losing weight include starving, cleansing, having one item diets and taking diet pills.  These methods are harmful to the body and are actually not good for your health.  [/spoiler]

C’mon, people, even Weight Watchers would be better than some of these choices.  If you’ve decided on a stupid way to lose weight, here’s why you shouldn’t  and here’s how you can learn from those awesomely ridiculous ways of shedding few pounds.


starving-to-lose-weightAh, starving: the most commonly used stupid method to lose weight.  Honestly, not the most creative way to lose weight when you think about it.

Teenagers are guilty of starving themselves in order to lose weight.  A chubby teen would think, “Well, I just won’t eat.”  She doesn’t want to accept how stupid that is, but teens are stubborn for the most part.

People who starve themselves in the hope of losing weight can quickly get tired, dizzy, and really hungry.  That is after the first hour.  And then it becomes worse on the second hour.

Starving yourself really screws up your body’s idea of what food is available.  Not eating sends a message to your body that a famine is in progress.  The body thinks, “Oh, crap, I better hold on to this fat because we’re not going to be getting any food for a while.”

Yeah, pretty stupid because that’s the last thing you want your body to think.  However, this method does have a kernel of truth to it.  Decreasing your food intake is a great idea when losing weight, but you need to decrease it only by a little.  No 1200 calorie diets, people.  Stick to the 1800 and 2000 calorie diets, and you will find that you lose weight more easily.


Cleanses-to-lose-weightEveryone wants to be clean, but honestly, you can’t clean your insides.  It just isn’t possible.  All of this crap about cleaning out the colon and carrying around pounds and pounds of shit is just, well, stupid.

The digestive system doesn’t work that way.  It moves foods and debris along the track and evacuates them when it is ready.  You could give yourself the runs for a few days, but you’re really doing nothing more than logging toilet time.

As with the other stupid ways to lose weight, this method does have a grain of truth in it, too.  Sometimes, we eat far too many processed foods.  I mean, if your main method of cooking is the microwave . . . you may have a problem with processed foods.

What cleanses can teach us is that most of what we eat are crap.  Fresh fruits and vegetables coupled with fresh lean meats can go a long way towards making us healthier, helping us lose weight, and possibly cleaning the preservatives from our systems.

Honestly, we don’t know what all those “natural flavorings” are doing to our bodies for the long term.  Returning to fresh foods that you actually cook . . . on a stove . . . with pots and pans . . . may not only help your weight but help your overall health, as well.

One Item Diets

So, if you just eat one item for a specified period of time, you will lose weight.  Most common among this idiotic dieting paradigm are cabbage soup, watermelon, and fruit juice.  The thinking is that you just eat the one item whenever you are hungry, and you lose weight.

Yeah, you will lose weight because your body will start feasting on itself to make up for the shortfalls your dumbass decisions have forced on it.  Hello, you need protein to survive, and there are no protein in cabbage soup.

So, where does the body get its needed nutrients?  Your muscles.  Yes, you turn all cannibal on yourself, eating your muscles because you refuse to eat anything but fruit juice.  Nice.  Now you’re a zombie.

Anyway, there isn’t much you can take from this stupid practice.  Perhaps you can learn that eating filling, low calorie foods can help to stave off hunger and help you lose weight.  For instance, salads – without the gallons of dressing! – can help you to fill your stomach and keep you from getting peckish.  For God’s sake, though, you need to eat something else.  Chicken, fruits, other vegetables . . . something other than cabbage soup 24/7.

Diet Pills

Diet-PillsFinally, diet pills are a pretty stupid solution, but they are a trap anyone can fall into.  Isn’t this the height of American consumerism?  You have a problem, buy our pill.  It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s stupid.

No people, these pills do not work.  First, the type of pill you buy at the local box store will likely make your heart burst from the caffeine high they give you.  “Speeding up your metabolism” is a marketing talk for speeding everything up.  When you take  a diet pill like this and start running on treadmill at 8 mph, before you realize it, you’re already high on this diet pill.

Although this can help you lose weight, it isn’t particularly good for your body.  For instance, your heart doesn’t enjoy beating wildly while you are sitting on your couch.  These pills can lead to serious medical problems and should be avoided.

Other pills that are not stimulants have side effects too.  For instance, a few of them give you uncontrollable diarrhea.  Nice.  So, you’ll lose weight, but you’ll have to wear a diaper.  Well, you gotta make concessions somewhere.

If you look at the fine print on many of these pills, though, you will see that they only help you lose one to two pounds per week . . . and these results aren’t typical.  Sensible eating and moderate exercise can yield the same results . . . and the results are far healthier and far more desirable.

What can you learn from this?  Nothing other than that there is no magic bullet.  Weight loss doesn’t come in a pill.  If it did, we would certainly know about it and everyone would be thin.  Don’t fall for the marketing ploys.  Learn how to eat correctly.  Get your ass off the couch.  Be patient.  These are the intelligent ways to lose weight.